Since my move to Los Angeles, I haven't taken the time to sit down and debrief on what I've been experiencing and feeling. I didn't do so, for I had forgotten how to even express myself. I guess, I just wanted to live my new life without feeling the need to explain it to anyone.
Well, it has been a little over two weeks since then, and I can't say that all my expectations have been met. I mean, how could they have been? I moved with blindfolds -- with a huge dream (yes), but still unprepared and clueless. I spent my first few moments in this "city of dreams" regretting my decision. I kept dwelling in the fact that I was still doing what I was doing back home. I noticed my mood had been creating a gap between me and my roommates. Whilst, they remained optimistic, proud, and excited - I stood beside with apathy, defeat, and weary. I had to do something about it; I couldn't have these negative feelings rub off of on two of my best friends. When I was at my worst, the news about Cory Monteith made its way into my knowledge and that was my breaking point. I was devastated: how could someone so empowering, impacting, and inspiring just cease to exist? I couldn't understand this news.... I refused to believe it. Cory represented a pigment of my most important passion. It was for him, his character on Glee, and the show itself that brought energy to all of my ambitions. The fact that someone I admire, someone who was living my dream just stopped fighting, made me hysterical. He was supposed to be fine.... he was supposed to rise above once more, and show the world he was better than his demons. So, that Saturday, I couldn't bare being around anyone and just wanted to go home. I called my parents to come and get me, so they did. I knew I'd be away from LA for a couple of days, and though I told myself I wouldn't return to the High Desert for a while -- this visit back home was so necessary. I needed to first, allow myself to cry about Cory, about my feelings, and just allow myself to fully feel. I suppressed my feelings in LA and was going a bit bonkers -- so, this visit back has been entirely therapeutic. I also needed to remind myself why I made the decision to move out in the first place. I had been so consumed with the thought that I had taken a wrong turn. But I didn't. I was supposed to move. I am supposed to experience life in its rawest form, and get hurt, and learn. God made this possible for a reason, and I am gradually understanding His true intent.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
And Lean not on your own understanding; Ps. 37:3, 5
In all your ways acknowledge Him.
And Lean not on your own understanding; Ps. 37:3, 5
In all your ways acknowledge Him.
And He shall direct your paths. 1 Chr. 28:9
Do not be wise in your own eyes:
Fear the LORD and depart from evil. Rom. 12:16
No matter how short or long you've been away from home, a mind of clarity can be found there. And that is exactly what I've found here in the High Desert. This place is humbling, quiet, and though it can suck you in: it's a place of comfort. But I'm ready to go back to MY home. I see things clearly now.... and I am truly grateful about my move to LA. If it's one positive lesson I got out of Cory's passing, it's that I can't stop fighting. My dreams have to be a priority, and I can't put them on the sidelines anymore. I may be struggling like a little ant making its way to his hole to bring his family food -- but I can do this. God has been standing by my side this entire time.... He's my best friend, and it is HIS direction I choose.
