I overheard the man whisper,"I am a lover
not a fighter,"
and to myself
I thought,
I
am in fact
both.
For is it love
at all
if it's not worth
fighting for?This year can be composed into tiny fragments of moments, breaths, smiles, sighs, hellos, and goodbyes. Of course, mirroring what every other year has brought: 365 days of experience. What made 2014 different? Well, as I sit here typing on its final day, I am flooded with just why 2014 stood out. For most people, they begin their year with some sort of resolution. A gym membership, no more gluten, a social media cleanse, their very own "adventure jar" for their most beloved, dream destination. We all have that one goal in mind, and for all of January, we follow through. What was mine? to not want to die. That sounds awful and I bet you gasped. Truth is, I hated myself for moving back home from Los Angeles. I hated the circumstance. I hated my situation. I made myself believe I was completely okay... but really, I was a pot of hot water ready to boil over. I returned home in the Fall of 2013 and luckily, I had work to distract me the rest of that year. But it was the beginning of 2014 where I felt the great ripple effects of life and its happenings. A person can only pretend for so long, before truth shines ever so bright. I wore one question on my face at all times, "why?" why.
God loves that question, and can get quite comedic about the way He chooses to answer it. Slowly, He began to unveil the puzzle pieces--removed my blindfolds and helped me acknowledge instead of asking "why?," ask "why not?". It was// it IS a big, "OHHHH!" moment. I was back home for so many reasons, reasons I'm still opening my eyes to. My most important one was building a healthy, all-loving relationship with myself. Embracing honest confidence, putting myself first, and learning how to let go all of the hurt. It's an everyday process, the learning how to just let go..... to just let life be... to not get fixated on the past.. but it has been the most rewarding process.
In May, I celebrated the most beautiful 20th birthday, with some of the most beautiful of ladies. To date, it remains in my top 10 favorite, most cherished memories. I also became a manager around that time. I got my very first car. I spent an incredible week with friends from basically all over the globe that I've known since I was 12. May was lovely. May will always be special.
I have always been madly in love with earth and nature, and dainty aesthetics like abandoned buildings, or rustic cities -- somehow, this year made all those far more vibrant for me. I feel like, after I embraced myself... and fell in love with the woman I am: these surroundings, my hunger for adventure--to get familiar with dirt and mountains and every coffee known, those all stood out like wild fire. I just can't look away. Life is pretty magical....
A photo I captured in Wrightwood. I post these daily on Instagram, for I am just crazy-obsessed with showing everyone how lovely things can be.
The year, like most brought many new faces and lost many old faces. Some new faces that I can foresee drinking tea with me at an old, old age as we talk about all of our adventures. Some old faces, I never in a million years thought I'd lose. And I use 'lose' loosely. There's people, special, incredible, irreplaceable people that remain.. you know, there--but not really there there. You'll live through these wonderful, all-consuming moments and those moments remain just that: moments. It's a saddening realization and highly inevitable and something I deeply dislike coming to terms with. If I hadn't mentioned before, I get attached easily. Alas! Life happens. It just happens.
Nothing is always depressing though. And nothing isn't always just nothing. Do you believe in serendipity? "fate," "DESTINY" ? Well, for Christians, we say.. "God's Will," "His plan". Imagine this, you're at work, at a coffee shop, some local grocery store, or even waiting to use a bathroom and suddenly, some human makes their presence known... accidentally of course and you're taken aback, like this human just changed your world without a single word or glance. Or let's use coffee, instead of human. Maybe even a gesture. Yes, a simple gesture is what we'll stick to. The last half of this year, for me invited me to the possibility of serendipity--an awakening gesture--the one-of-a-kind coffee. I find myself smiling like a cheeseball, randomly because God knows exactly what He's doing. Like I said, He's a comedian and I wouldn't have it any other way.
If it's one phrase I must stick to, to sum up my year...it would be, keep fighting, keep loving.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to find time for yourself. To listen to those gut feelings and to not disregard your innate emotions. This year was a total 'make it happen' year.
Why not?
