I can't say with certainty why there have been sudden detours in my life: why I moved back home, why Los Angeles didn't work out the first time around, why two incredibly amazing friendships ended - I don't have answers to any of them. My first few months back home were excruciating. I was so broken, and lost, and confused, and angry but I internalized every bitter emotion so outsiders couldn't see my pain, my regret, my disappointment. I went on living life as if I were happy to be back, happy to have had my dreams put on hold, happy to have had said goodbye to girls I called my sisters..... it was a mess. "Why is this happening to me?" is a question I asked myself everyday - "God must be upset with me" I thought. No, God was protecting me. I didn't gracefully realize or accept this over the coarse of one day or one week; coming to terms with my reality was a process (is a process). I had treasures not necessarily taken away from me, but they were definitely out of sight - miles and miles away - no longer within my reach..... Oh, it sucked. Still sucks. The funny and unusual thing with our Universe is, we may loosely lose, but in return, we gain plenty.
There are absolutely no words for how indebted I feel to God; He has been my greatest crutch since my move back, even when I least deserved it. I could go days without thanking Him, and talking to Him, and simply thinking about Him - yet, He doesn't leave, He doesn't stop holding me, He doesn't stop blessing me. I don't feel alone, not anymore. His love has been so evident in the new friendships I've developed, in my best friend's little baby girl, in my little sister's plead to spend a lazy day watching movies, in my manager's acknowledgement: His love, His light is so powerful that I can't help but be grateful for sending me back home. I have learned more about myself and life from June of 2013 to now. WHAT AN EYE OPENER, I tell ya.
"You're such a happy person, Brizzy" Yes, yes I am. All because I've surrendered to Love. I let Love engulf me. Circumstances will be circumstances; one minute, they are wonderful, the next, they are absolutely shitty. I know what it feels like to want to die, to want to call it quits, to want to just hide in a dark room and never come out. But how unhealthy is that? I have made the decision to make the most of my situation and because of that I am finally at peace; I am content. Does this mean my life is going to remain this way? Of course not. I am not done fighting for my dreams. No way. I'm only 19, and it's so easy to forget how young I am still. Young adults feel so pressured to make a name for themselves and if they don't do it before they're 25, it's like they have suddenly failed. But you know what? screw that. We, as humans should take care of ourselves first, do some soul-searching, figure out what the hell we're even truly and genuinely passionate about then tackle life head on with fervor! I won't settle, and I won't feel sad about what's my current state. I am alive and it's beautiful and this is just my beginning...... SO MANY MAGICAL MOMENTS ARE IN STORE FOR ME, FOR YOU, FOR HER, FOR HIM........ all of us.
Until then, here I am, and here is my story:
