Expensive and Fruitful Armor

I know now, from experience, that the path to joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well-adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity. I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection.

                                                                     - Donald Miller

 

   I woke up with my heart beating a million miles per hour, I took a deep breath and fixed myself a PB&J and a coffee. I bit into my sandwich and thump....thump..thump... my heart was pounding, vibrating, silencing my surrounding.. "I am getting a panic attack" my thoughts gathered, and I felt myself almost surrender to it. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale: breathe. "I am fine, everything is fine" I kept repeating to myself. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, today was no exception. I can say I have no idea where it came from but I do. I am overwhelmed by one simple question,

 

Where do I start?

where do I start? I keep asking myself this, every single second. How am I going to get out of here? out of this? I am overwhelmed. Two days ago, an older lady told me some words I didn't want to hear, truthful words, but hurtful and belittling, nonetheless. Her words are haunting me, angering me, bringing out unfruitfulness. I know it's the enemy getting in my head, trying so hard to get me back to square one. We underestimate how much power the devil has over us; we mistake him for our own thoughts. It can all get so deafening and discouraging.

 

I am struggling as a Christian, as a daughter of Christ to stay on path. I need to communicate this because outsiders can look at Christians as the most cheesiest of individuals who are always so happy and so complacent. But I'm here to tell you, although we are cheesy, we do struggle. When one makes the decision to walk the narrow road--the bumps, the delays, the traffic, all of that is heightened. I mean it is not easy, far from easy. I find myself asking, "is this even worth it?" because I can easily be persecuted, for loving my creator, for living according to the bible. It's a war in my head, my heart; between what I know and what I feel. It's especially difficult when you physically see what you know and what you feel on two separate sides right in front of you/ where do I go?

 

it all leads me back to this question:

Where do I start?

I don't know. I absolutely do not know how to start, but this piece of scripture brings calm to my storm

 

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:4-7

   God asks us to not worry, for worrying undermines His Glory.  I know the truth, I feel His love, yet my body, my worldly nature fights against it. I went to a bible study one night at Calvary Chapel High Desert, and the pastor, Alfred said, "As a Christian, you will always be at war and you can have the most expensive armor but the armor is useless if the person wearing it isn't ready."