okay,
"We know it all by heart, that the whole is so much greater than the sum of these parts; we've heard the truth before....and beauty there echoes, in the spec of our souls."
Many things happened after leaving St. George. As a family, we moved states, decided to start fresh in El Paso, Texas. In those two, short years: I lost sight of God. From ages 11 to 13, I don't even remember taking time to pray or thanking Jesus for waking me up or smiling at strangers or doing anything "Godly". I saw my parents lose sight of God as well, and because of that, I became influenced. It was no longer a matter of having a relationship with Jesus... it was all about religion, politics, and "OHH we MUST GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS or we'll be condemned," "but we can sin every other day because we took time to go to church on Sunday!"..... that is what I saw and so I became frustrated, very fast with Catholics. The Catholics I was around that time, anyway. Church became a chore and a burden I didn't want to bear. I preferred hanging out at the mall with my "bff's" and doing what any other 12 year old does: be of the world. The world was mine, for the coming years. It was all about me. ME ME ME ME ME. Well, how would I feel about this, how would that benefit me, why me? yadeeh yah. It's honestly so normal, all of this and in no way am I deeming myself as a ruined teenager for being irrevocably in love with what the world had to offer. I honestly don't expect a teen to act any different:
So, here's where it gets good. Yeah, there's more... plenty. After moving back to California and surviving two years of high school, (SURVIVING!!!) I was invited to Calvary Chapel, Hesperia by one of my good friends. They had youth group every Wednesday night, and we started attending. My first night at Calvary was compelling and awfully curious. I remember it like it like it was yesterday: in we walk through the doors, Lex and I are graciously greeted by Pastor Casey. This guy was nuts and I mean that in the best way possible; he was so high on Jesus's love and it didn't take a believer to see that. In my mind, I'm thinking I entered the Disneyland of Christians. Casey got to know us a bit, and introduced us to everyone--it was all so entirely welcoming. We were all settled in, and now it was time for worship. This I was not familiar with. You see, in Catholic church, it's all ceremonial; tons of sitting, tons of standing, STAND, now SIT, STAND AGAIN... DON'T CLAP. Don't do this, don't do that. Don't even breathe. hahaha okay, I'm exaggerating, but at Calvary, worship began and I want to say, the leaders were singing "Come Thou Fount" because to this day, that song remains special to me and always sets me on fire. Anyway, here I am 16 year old teen coming from such a clean, cut setting to seeing other teens my age lift up their arms in praise as they sing along. I'm scanning my settings and almost everyone had their hands up, eyes closed, singing so passionately, so wholesomely. My initial thought was, "Aren't they embarrassed? don't they get shy?" and then it occurred to me... no one else was in the room with them, besides Jesus. He was the only one there that mattered and they knew that, they felt that and because of that, they threw their hands in the air and openly accepted His presence; it was the most beautiful, truest moment I ever witnessed in my life. All I knew then was that I wanted to be them: I wanted to be so on fire, so unconscious about my surroundings and so consumed by God's eternal love. After that night, I went almost every Wednesday to youth group, and to even some of their bible study get-togethers. I found my niche, I thought: this marked the beginning of my real journey.
I began to see many changes in my life, around that time I let go of someone who was the universe to me and I know now it was God's way of clearing my path for His plan. School was no longer a place of constant self-loathing and embarrassment--but an environment I unveiled dreams and progressed ideas and found the most genuine of support. I was on my way.
Now, I'm going to go on a rant about the Ranchero bridge on the 15 freeway. Remember how long it took to construct? I may have been 5 when they started (kidding), but it felt like centuries!! It was almost finished before it caught fire and collapsed. The devastation was heavy on everyone--heck, it headlined the news!! Imagine the defeat that plagued the workers..... worse, the disappointment that plagued the person responsible. A blind accident that resulted to millions of dollars in waste. Luckily, no one had been injured or severely reprimanded (that I know). But it'd be a while until we see that bridge in its woodwork again. We even questioned if the state would even invest in it. TAX DOLLARS, heeeey. Jokes aside.
This is what happened to me after graduating high school, after stopping attending youth group: I set fire to my own bridge by blind accident. I had constructed, and put hours after hours of work into my relationship with God but utilized the wrong tool whilst doing finishing touches and boom... down it went..the bridge, my relationship. Only I didn't know this. I still prayed, only selfishly this time. This was around the time I made my move to Los Angeles. I was certain God was answering my prayer requests since I was making it all work out. I would go around telling the world, "God wants this for me. He wants me in LA". I wanted me in LA. Oy vey, I couldn't have been more wrong.
The move happened, it didn't last very long, and off to the high desert I went back to. I was so ashamed, so embarrassed and disappointed in myself, that I didn't want anyone to know. I went into actual hiding for fear everyone else may see the failure I saw in myself. It was toxic. I was in the worst place I had ever been and even felt like if I reached out to God, He'd deny me for disobeying Him...for spreading falsehood and for being selfish with His love.
but He didn't. He called me towards Him as if I never left and embraced me and never let go. What's crazier, He forgave me... He actually forgave me, I can't wrap my mind around that.
The ranchero bridge on the 15 freeway has been rebuilt and is finally open for commute, by the way.
I can't explain how He works, I cannot put the feelings in my chest, in my head, in my body into words. He won't ever make sense to the world and that is okay, He doesn't want to make sense. He just wants us to know He's here.
My journey continues to go on, and is increasingly growing, minute by minute. Around October of last year, a young man walked into Aeropostale and something inside of me told me to approach him. I told him it was for hiring purpose, but it wasn't. Little did I know, he was actually in the middle school ministries at Calvary Chapel, Apple Valley. He invited me to Sunday night bible studies for young adults and I've been going ever since. I don't have an official church yet, and I haven't had one since I was 10. But Calvary Chapel has done some incredible things for me. The young adults in fellowship at Apple Valley are the sweetest of individuals I know--they have extended their hand to me and it feels so comforting. God is making me brand new every single day. There's a million things I keep discovering about myself on this path to Him. I feel myself shifting, evolving.... in the most beautiful way. The road isn't so scary anymore. He has it all under control, and I trust that with every fiber in me.
let go... let go...let go
Let God.
