Hey guys, this is just another chapter bit from my book, I Spy Ella. Remember, though many of it carries an extent of truth, majority is fiction. What you're about to read isn't anything that happened to me....just to clarify.
"Home Seems Impossible On a Dark Day"
It's Saturday morning and to my surprise, I don't feel all that terrible. It has been exactly five months since I last talked to Seth, and a part of me has grown accustomed to the heartache. Perhaps this is the way it was meant to be all along. Me, alone...living day-by-day with distress, dissatisfaction, and burden. I look back to the day it all ended. Seth and I were comfortable with one another, he, in a sense became the one person to understand every ounce of me, the one person to accept both my light and dark parts - he knew me, and I knew him, that's how it was for three years. We weren't supposed to walk away from each other's lives, things were supposed to be different. I was going to write his biography when he got famous, and he was going to write mine - that was a promise we both made, and then, it just all ended. I suppose I have myself to blame; after all, my love for him was hardly platonic. I loved him with every bit of my being, and I presume, no.... I know that is why Seth and I ended. Seth was in love, but not with me. For the past two years, I had always known this, but kept it from my conscious. I couldn't accept that someone else had a hold of him like he had on me.
That afternoon, five months ago, I remember it perfectly... the sun was shining so bright, which distracted the cool chill from January's Winter. I had just gotten out of school and decided to walk home. The streets were bare, hardly any person in sight, which usually I am frightened by, but that day was an exception. I wanted to enjoy the sight of my desert frontier alone. Listening to Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, "Home" I strolled by the Joshua trees and withered flowers with a smile. I can't quite recall what I was thinking at the time, but I was obviously lost in trance because for ten minutes someone had been following me. Now, don't get scared, reader, that someone was Seth. I should have known, or at least been aware, for I have rapt attention. But Seth didn't want to get caught for reason. Still not aware, I continue with Broken Social Scene's, "Anthems For a Seventeen Year Old Girl" I was still sixteen, but this song made me think. I bet you're wondering why I am even disclosing such detail, reader, well, I hope symbolism gives your bones tingles just like it does mine. Back to my sixteen year old self, I had been turning the aqueduct, when I finally heard the steps of someone else. I turn around and quickly shout, "What the hell, Seth! You creep! Have you been following me this entire time?!" Seth just smiled. Walking up to him, I give him a shove, and continue, "Well, aren't you going to explain yourself?! Are you here to make sure I get home safely?"
"Yes and no" he replies
"Yes and no... okay? what's going on?"
Seth took my hand and then said, "Ella, what do you want?" at that point, I knew what was going on. Of course, being my sarcastic self, replied with, "Well, I kind of want to get home and take a nap."
This time, he grabs my other hand, and we're facing each other. In the three years I had known him, we had never been in this position, us alone, hands touching, it was odd imagery.
"Ella, what do you want?" he asks, but this time with bravado.
"How am I even supposed to answer that, Seth?" I say, looking away from him
"Look at me, please.. Ella... look at me. What do you want?" He cups my chin this time.
Tears begin trickling down my face at this point, and I say nothing, but look into his eyes.
Suddenly, he leans in and kisses me, gently at first, but then with such an intensity, I swore I could have fainted from such fervor. He suddenly stops, and says in between breaths, "Is that what you want?"
Still I remain speechless. I couldn't muster up any words. I was kissed for the first time by the one guy I had loved for three years. How could I say anything?
"ELLA!" he shouts, and I jump. "......W-w-what was that? w-w-why did you do that?" I finally say.
"You know why I am here. You know why I kissed you. You know why I asked you that question, Ella."
"No, quite frankly, I have no idea what the hell is going on, Seth. But yes, to answer your question, YES I want you. All of you. I want you, Seth."
He clenched his fist and rose it to his mouth, and started crying. "That's the problem. I can't give you what you want, Ella. You know that! YOU KNOW I CAN'T LOVE YOU LIKE YOU LOVE ME!"
"Why now, Seth? Why here? Why ruin such a beautiful day with that reality?" I say in between sobs.
"Stop being a fool, Ella. For your sake, stop being a fool" he says as he wipes my tears.
I stop him with a push "How fucking dare you kiss me and then tell me that. Fuck you." I calmly say as I turn around and begin to run.
I am running, running as fast as I can. I just wanted to get home, but even that seemed impossible to reach.
