Is it pathetic that I am a nineteen year old who has never had a boyfriend nor a real, "I love you more than words" kiss or even a "Gosh....your sight takes my breath away" *sparks in the air* kiss? I don't know what any of that feels like. I can't dig into my memories and daydream over passion-filled nights or a simple, yet thoughtful intertwine of two hands. Sometimes, I blame my picky-ness; I don't ever settle for what I don't deserve (which is an amazing trait to have- that I know) but my thoughts can get so in the way, where I'll psych myself out of a mutual, hearts around the eyes- butterflies in the sky- we're young relationship. I suppose, I am mostly scared. Each time I've fallen for someone - it was always one-sided, or I felt more strongly for them than they did for me. I don't just fall for anyone, so the two guys I did fall for completely distorted my idea about letting someone in that close. Though those two guys are long-gone in the past, and left there - I haven't forgotten about the heartache or the mind-numbing thoughts. I've built such a tall wall, that even I am not sure I can knock down..
Giving someone the okay to get to know you in ways no one else does is dangerous. Becoming vulnerable for someone is basically leaving them entitled to snatch your heart away whenever they pleased to toy with it when you least expect it. At least, that's all I've ever experienced.. which is why I've turned so reserved, closed-off, and restricted.
I won't say there haven't been nice guys because there has. Usually, they're really good friends who have manifested feelings for me - and since I am so afraid of change, and giving someone the okay to climb into my window - I never gave them a chance. So, you see the issue here? I am the issue.
A part of me is also incredibly insecure. I may seem like a girl who has every inch of her life together, and walks with confidence ... but truth is, I am not that girl. There are moments when I gather some crushes, and never make an effort to let them know because I just don't feel pretty enough. Which sounds ridiculous. Trust me, I even hate the sound of that - but it's true. "They probably think I am fat" "My face isn't as pretty as hers" "they'll think I am disgusting without makeup" are thoughts that haunt me and stop me whenever I attempt to strike up a 'hey-let's-get-to-know-one-another' conversation. It sucks.
I don't want to be afraid and insecure. I also don't want to go on believing that I am going to end up alone. The only reassurance that gets me through all this negativity and sadness is when I am comforted by God's plan. I know He has the perfect guy for me. I know this perfect guy (who isn't perfect) is out there, somewhere in the world thinking of meeting me too. It just becomes so hard to trust at times. But I need to trust His timing. Only God knows when I prepared to meet my other half. I can wait a little longer, I can.
I will get my incredible REAL, first kiss - I will have all those giddy memories to reflect upon, I will have that one person who will look at all of my insecurities and fall in love with each, I will have that...
As much emotion and thought I put into this reality of mine - I promise it's not the only thing on my mind, nor even the most important. I am fine with being completely independent, and right now, honestly, my career and dreams are what I am most concerned about obtaining. I have amazing friends who remind me that I don't need a guy to be content in life. Which is what any 19 year old gal really needs. :-)
My entire entree just went from me sounding sad to me assuring myself that I am actually okay with all of this. Yeah, you'll find that I often switch from one emotion and thought to another. Not unusual at all.....
anyway, here's an awesome song that goes with this post:
"Free My Mind" by Katie Herzig
