I'm not sure when my number one goal in life became to escape the desert,
I am not even sure when I began to disapprove of the desert with so much distaste
oh yes, somewhere in high school, surrounded by all my aspiring actor friends who talked horribly of the desert-- that is when fear took its strike and made me irrevocably restless.
I get super sad sometimes thinking about living at home, being that ONE dreamer who didn't get the chance to chase dreams straight out of high school/
like somehow I've failed
failed whom though? myself? society?
oftentimes I blame not trying hard enough in school--why wasn't I the straight A? why didn't I learn to love math? if only I had won some major scholarship by being the star in the volleyball team. I laugh later about those silly thoughts. But I definitely wish I hadn't procrastinated so much....
my insecurities all stem from not being AS successful, talented, well-established, resourceful as the next girl. My lack of self-worth is influenced by stereotypes, movies, prideful minds, arrogance, and entitlement.
There is a video going viral of a little boy opening a birthday present, to find a banana, a prank from his father; the entire family expecting a confused/sad reaction, only to receive the most gracious, appreciation of the little boy saying, "BANANA!" and taking the happiest bite.
I don't know about you but isn't this the ultimate attitude check? with technology ever on the rise, trading bikes for iPads and hugs for kissy-face emojis, seeing this child light up for a BANANA is the most humbling moment I've seen in a while.
I have a job that pays for my bills, for my coffee, and for all my spontaneous adventures-- I live in an air conditioned home, I have healthy and unhealthy food options to choose from, I have friends few miles away to make me laugh and smile
I have a church that loves me without reservation, a church that opened their arms and heart to me in a matter of seconds
I have a car that takes me places
I have just what I need/ nothing more, nothing less
so why do I feel so entitled to have MORE? it isn't that I shouldn't strive for more because striving is a beautiful thing but it's that I haven't learned to be CONTENT with what I have, with where I am. From the moment I graduated high school, I made it my mission to escape the desert, to get out and never look back. God brought me back though....only after a few short months. WHAT A REALITY CHECK, LEMME TELL YA!
I look around, sometimes with a sour face and sigh, "this is my home? this desert frontier?" rhetorical questions in my mind
yes, this desert frontier is my home.
one of my favorite instragrammers who shares the loveliest of thoughts wrote this a few days ago, and it just resonates with my soul and this post
"see maybe you're like I was,
you always want to go,
to flee,
you want to run and clothe it with the term adventure
And in this new season I've begun to sit once more with the term 'Emmanual'
God is with us.
Just as much so at our jobs as He is on adventures
and if God is calling you to stay,
don't let your wild heart continue to fight that.
How good, how grand, the work the Lord is doing in this city
each soul for a season will wander
not in a bad or destructive way but a necessary way
and the God calls you home once more,
to just stay
to love a city, and love it well
don't fight that,
because it surely doesn't look as glamorous and not as worthy of a good photo
God is here, with each of us in our everyday going about life
let that be surely enough."
(you can read more of her heart-wrenching/ thought-provoking words at maddiepattin.wordpress.com or @maddiepattin on instagram)
God tells us to endure the desert, that we will surely see life bloom in its midst.
I have experienced nothing but outpouring love and blessings in this joshua tree filled town. I'm only a brat and talk down on it because I am looked down on if I don't. My career, my dream doesn't lie here, that much is physically certain....
but God wants me here for now
for whatever reason;
this is another season I need to trust God has my best interest in
to anyone else feeling like they're stuck, out of place:
be still.
listen.
see.
use what you have with where you are.
"Be where you are, not where you think you should be."
I aspire to be like the child above, so happy about a mere banana, oblivious to other grander things because those will come later, for now: there is a banana and I will take the happiest bite
