Walking under a magnified glass

So, I've recently decided - I am no longer moving to LA. No, what kind of absurd plan was that? I am only 19 years old, I can't possibly know what I want or know what is best for me. I was so stupid for thinking I could make it as an actress... things like that just don't happen. Oh, how naive I was! If I were to move to LA, I would struggle immensely and move back within a few months because nothing is going to work out. SO, what's my new plan? Oh, well, I am going to stay at my parents here in Hesperia, go to VVC for another 6 years to get my Associates - while working my way up as manager at Aeropostale. Yeah... who cares about my real passions; they are TOTALLY unrealistic!!! Everyone who is smart and realistic knows that becoming an actress is a one in a trillion opportunity. Who am I to think it can happen to me? Yeah, insane right? From now on, I am no longer going to be unconventional; I will settle into a lifestyle that brings me misery, I will marry someone I tolerate, and I will start a family at a young age. Oh, but get this! I won't move out of my parents until marriage presents itself. GOSH, how AWESOME does that sound?! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS PATH. As long as I get a degree, who cares if I am unhappy, right?! In life, one must be rational and pay no mind to their deepest desires. They won't work. We gotta conform, follow society, and stick to the mold.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah, NO.
I won't apologize for wanting the life I want. For once, FOR ONCE in my life I feel 110% certain about something in my life. I do enough worrying and stressing. You don't think I think about all of the setbacks? You don't think I think about acting not working out for me? You don't think I think about not being financially stable?! I THINK ABOUT THAT EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY. And you know what gets me through it? You know what assures me that that's not the case? GOD. Every single time, I feel afraid that none of this can work out - God presents me with another step that brings me so much closer. So, excuse me if I believe I can actually make my dreams happen. I understand what moving out entails, I understand how tough it will be to be on my own indefinitely, I understand all of that and my goodness does it terrify me.. but if I allowed that fear to stop me, where would I end up?! STUCK AND SETTLING with easy and comfortable. It's not me. I was always encouraged and told to stay true to myself. I am doing just that. I am taking a leap of faith, trusting my intuition, and making those steps towards my dreams. Honestly, who knows where I'll end up in the future... no one can be certain of that. But what I am certain of, is that I have a fire so bright inside of my heart and it is directing me to move to LA to pursue acting. Whether that fire inside of me will lead me to destruction or perhaps, even something better- only time and experience will tell. I won't possibly know what's good for me, unless I take some risks and live life.
As for education, I am not giving that up. I will still be going to school. I have back-up plans. I am not as ignorant and naive as my age puts me to be.

I am just tired of being discouraged by people. I do that to myself enough. It's all deafening...and quite frankly, just sad and pathetic. Life is fucking tough, and this situation I am currently in has made me fucking depressed. I take shit classes, work my ass off at a job that pays me $8 fucking dollars an hour, and sit home wishing I could make my dreams happen. Well, I am finally doing that. It's all finally, somehow working out. It didn't work out in the past for a reason... and now that it is, it'd be nice if I wasn't hearing how I am ruining my life. No, buddy... I am ruining my life by staying here. THIS PATH that everyone so strongly encourages is making me fucking sick, SO, I am changing that. I am going to create a positive life for myself. I WILL SUCCEED. And when I do, I cannot wait to just look at everyone who thought I could never make it, and just smile.

"It's funny what can happen, once you stop listening to the world." ~ (Lea Michele) She was told she wasn't pretty enough to make it in the industry. Now she's the lead on Glee.

Einstein was told he would never amount to anything...
Oprah was told she'd never make it...
Sandra Bullock was ridiculed for dropping out of college just 5 credits short, and now she's one of the greatest actresses of all time.

My message is, if you have a dream so big inside of you that terrifies you beyond belief - FOLLOW IT, and go out and make it happen. We all have the power inside of us. The people who say otherwise were just too afraid to make their dreams happen.

Giving up is the only true failure.   

I am a warrior.