I Don't Feel Like It: Crossroads

   I'm looking in the mirror, scanning my face, scanning my outfit, regretting not putting on makeup. If only I had made time to put makeup on, maybe I'd feel slightly pretty. I'm growing impatient now, angry, frustrated... "I HATE MY FACE" I say in between dramatic "ughs" and deep sighs. I blame society for this, for instilling the image of perfection. I blame society for making women feel like they're anything less than beautiful for having blemishes, for having thighs, for eating a donut, for saying the wrong thing, for not having enough talents, for A LOT of things. Now, I'm pacing my room and recollecting myself- "okay," I say, "I need to gather myself. NOT TODAY, Devil!"

   This was a scene in my room yesterday, before heading down the hill for a sister date. My day could have gone in a totally different direction had I let those thoughts that weren't of God engulf me. Actually, my days, in general can go in terrible, TERRIBLE directions for allowing peeves, workload, and nasty attitudes pang my existence. seriously. I am sitting here, typing this, 3 hours before my late shift, well aware that after Sunday, I will be working 9 days straight. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want throw tantrums and be angry with everyone. Alas! how blessed am I to be able to say that? to be able to say that I actually have work, that I am getting sufficient hours so I can pay bills and save for future endeavors. THAT IS A CRAZY BLESSING. Yet all I want to think about is how exhausted I am going to be, how annoying customers are going to get on my nerves, how I am getting a cold and just want to be in bed. Perspective is insane. We all stand at this crossroad, daily, don't we? we can either go down "Wallowing Lane" and let negative thing after negative thing get the best of us/ or go down "Power Through Valley" and allow God to do what He wants to do in us, through us, around us. We are not skilled to understand what God has built, what God has planned. Life is incredibly painful, tiresome, and downright defeating sometimes... yet imagine, if we used those experiences to inspire, to motivate, to minister.. If we looked at our pain as a platform, as a "passport" (props to Pastor Levi Lusko for that line) to be salt and light. 

   I absolutely get not wanting to ADULT or even wanting to be alive. I get that sometimes, you feel like the ugliest human ever, that sometimes work seems like they're taking over your life, that sometimes the people you love most don't always show that they love you. I GET IT because I deal with that daily. How awesome to know that God is fighting for us though?! "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14 

  The Devil is scheming--the devil WANTS to see you cry, he wants you to choose Wallowing Lane, he wants you to get angry at your coworkers, he wants you to think you're unworthy, he wants every bad possible thing to happen to you. HE CANNOT AND WILL NOT WIN. That is why it is important to see every possible challenge as an OPPORTUNITY..to RISE.. to use your microphone (again, thanks Pastor Levi Lusko) (seriously, just read Through The Eyes Of A Lion, you'll know what i'm referring to) and to treat life with a warrior attitude. 

God loves us. radically. unconditionally. He died for us... c'mon... (John 3:16) and when I remember that, I'm like what the heck am I doing? why am I letting the devil win? DUDE.... Jesus went through the worst thing ever and came out victorious!! If that doesn't inspire you, I don't know what will. 

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:4

Jesus is our light;

I'm holding on to that. 

A Banana Isn't a Gameboy, but...

I'm not sure when my number one goal in life became to escape the desert,
I am not even sure when I began to disapprove of the desert with so much distaste

oh yes, somewhere in high school, surrounded by all my aspiring actor friends who talked horribly of the desert-- that is when fear took its strike and made me irrevocably restless.

I get super sad sometimes thinking about living at home, being that ONE dreamer who didn't get the chance to chase dreams straight out of high school/

like somehow I've failed
failed whom though? myself? society?

oftentimes I blame not trying hard enough in school--why wasn't I the straight A? why didn't I learn to love math? if only I had won some major scholarship by being the star in the volleyball team. I laugh later about those silly thoughts. But I definitely wish I hadn't procrastinated so much....

my insecurities all stem from not being AS successful, talented, well-established, resourceful as the next girl. My lack of self-worth is influenced by stereotypes, movies, prideful minds, arrogance,  and entitlement.

There is a video going viral of a little boy opening a birthday present, to find a banana, a prank from his father; the entire family expecting a confused/sad reaction, only to receive the most gracious, appreciation of the little boy saying, "BANANA!" and taking the happiest bite.




I don't know about you but isn't this the ultimate attitude check? with technology ever on the rise, trading bikes for iPads and hugs for kissy-face emojis, seeing this child light up for a BANANA is the most humbling moment I've seen in a while.

I have a job that pays for my bills, for my coffee, and for all my spontaneous adventures-- I live in an air conditioned home, I have healthy and unhealthy food options to choose from, I have friends few miles away to make me laugh and smile
I have a church that loves me without reservation, a church that opened their arms and heart to me in a matter of seconds
I have a car that takes me places
I have just what I need/ nothing more, nothing less

so why do I feel so entitled to have MORE? it isn't that I shouldn't strive for more because striving is a beautiful thing but it's that I haven't learned to be CONTENT with what I have, with where I am. From the moment I graduated high school, I made it my mission to escape the desert, to get out and never look back. God brought me back though....only after a few short months. WHAT A REALITY CHECK, LEMME TELL YA!

I look around, sometimes with a sour face and sigh, "this is my home? this desert frontier?" rhetorical questions in my mind
yes, this desert frontier is my home.

one of my favorite instragrammers who shares the loveliest of thoughts wrote this a few days ago, and it just resonates with my soul and this post

"see maybe you're like I was, 
you always want to go,
to flee,
you want to run and clothe it with the term adventure
And in this new season I've begun to sit once more with the term 'Emmanual'
God is with us.
Just as much so at our jobs as He is on adventures
and if God is calling you to stay,
don't let your wild heart continue to fight that.
How good, how grand, the work the Lord is doing in this city
each soul for a season will wander
not in a bad or destructive way but a necessary way
and the God calls you home once more,
to just stay
to love a city, and love it well
don't fight that,
because it surely doesn't look as glamorous and not as worthy of a good photo
God is here, with each of us in our everyday going about life
let that be surely enough." 

(you can read more of her heart-wrenching/ thought-provoking words at maddiepattin.wordpress.com or @maddiepattin on instagram)

God tells us to endure the desert, that we will surely see life bloom in its midst.
I have experienced nothing but outpouring love and blessings in this joshua tree filled town. I'm only a brat and talk down on it because I am looked down on if I don't. My career, my dream doesn't lie here, that much is physically certain....
but God wants me here for now
for whatever reason;
this is another season I need to trust God has my best interest in

to anyone else feeling like they're stuck, out of place:

be still.
listen.
see.
use what you have with where you are.

"Be where you are, not where you think you should be." 

I aspire to be like the child above, so happy about a mere banana, oblivious to other grander things because those will come later, for now: there is a banana and I will take the happiest bite 

Dangled Hope

imagine:

you're walking up a flight of stairs, with a destination in mind

the destination has been thought about, planned

you've fought, cried, laughed, endured 

oh, can you see it? 

yes, how can you not

on you go, this time skipping a step to quicken the journey 

so close;

It's right there!

one final skip

tumble--

you fall 

"ouch..." you mutter, 

as you reach for grip, the rails disappear 

suddenly you're hanging on by one finger, 

scanning for any inch of hope 

the earth beneath begins to shake and hanging on is getting difficult /

your anxiety picks up and you feel yourself giving up 

"..but I've fought so hard for this....." you say in between cries 

You're not sure what you've done to deserve such abuse from life 

as if you've been cast to feel pain and defeat 

you close your eyes for a moment, to remember a sweet, soft past 

drifting into slumber

cuing the darkness 

letting the pangs and blows win